Turn up the suck!

Oh yeah.....just press play on the decks and pretend like you're mixing. Must be rough cashing those checks.

Coxcast? Shifty pricing practices and email "marketing"

By: Daryl "Email Marketing Guru for Really Reals" Northrop

My Cox cable price-lock is coming to an end. Oh dear. Dear oh dear. *Wrings hands* *Clutches Pearls* *Hyperventilates* *Wets self*

Luckily, the marketing pooptards at Cox have informed me of this! I clicked on their at, resplendent with chirpy, techy-looking, female eye-candy with smarty-glasses, and was presented with this fecal-oriented page:

Dear Cox: Just because I live in Fairfax County, don't assume I have, you know, "money."

Look closely now.....Where is the price? It's like a game show! "Click for the mystery price, or win a elderly goat!"

Well, I guess the value proposition here is this is a good demonstration on how NOT to do email marketing.

Dear Northern Virginia drivers....

By: Daryl "Just run in to me, I like it. Yeah, do it harder baby" Northrop

Hello reader(s). This morning, for the SECOND TIME IN ONE WEEK, some mentally inert waste of oxygen spaced off at a stop light and rolled backwards into my front bumper. Good. Fucking. Times.

Luckily, an artist was present at each incident and was able to do a quick sketch of me:

Notice that when I am angry, my ears vanish. Weird, right?

Why? Why does this happen? How distracted/mentally deficient do you have to be in order to forget to keep you damn foot on the damn brake????

POP QUIZ: Identify the brake pedal in this mysterious jumble of automotive gadgetry:

Hint - it's NOT the skinny pedal.

And I end up asking myself "Why are Northern Virginia drivers so damn bad at driving?" Then, after nearly 20 seconds of Google-sleuthing, I found this!

AH HA!

Notice the left hand turn from the right hand lane maneuver on the cover. This is a Northern Virginia classic! I see this every single day. You're just not driving correctly unless you suspend every goddamned ounce of self awareness you have and just drive wherever the fuck you want. Bonus point if you are just plain suicidal.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go try to scrub the invisible fucking bullseye off the bumper of my super-tough Prius.

So my Prius was pollen colored.....

By: Daryl "SudsyClean" Northrop

Dear Reader(s),

As you might know, spring is spranging all over the place here in the People's Democratic Republic of Northern Virginia. The means plants have having sex like crazy and spewing their love-pollen all over everything. Well, apparently my Prius is DEAD SEXY if you are a plant, that is. 

It has been covered with tree spunk for about 2 weeks now. So I thought "Hey! Maybe I'll get the car washed and the local Car Scrubbery Center!"

Silly me. What was I thinking?

Car wash number one: out of order.

Car wash number two: overrun with customers, plus their payment box only accepts cash, except that it won't accept cash, so you have to go in and buy an authorization code.

*Thanks for all your hard work, Abdul Raheem! They aren't paying you enough, I'm sure. 

So what's the big deal, you might ask? Let me tell you. There is a weird dichotomy in the car wash world between the "inner suburbs" and the "outer suburbs." In the inner suburbs, you have your choice between: Sketchy automated carwashes located at gas station that are either broken, or nearly broken. Or, you have to go to a car wash center where you have to get out of your car, pick your "wash package" (scented soap, unscented soap, lysol-bomb your interior, sing a lullaby to your tires, rub a goat on your dashboard, alphabetize your glove compartment, remove the banana from your tailpipe?). Ugh. Too many choices. Plus, 75 guys bum-rush your vehicle at the end to dry it off with hand towels. I have no idea if this involves an orgy of tipping or not. It's just too confusing. Too many options, too many people, plus I don't want to surrender my car and actually have to interact with other human beings in any way, ever. So there. 

In the outer suburbs, you have lots of automated carwashes, and some car wash centers. So if you want to use an automated car wash like Zeus intended, then you actually have access to them!!!! Is that so damn hard, inner suburbs???

So in one of those weird reality-vortex's that open up periodically, it comes down to that in one of the wealthiest suburbs in the nation, it's difficult to get your car washed. It would be so much easier if there were some sort of mobile Bikini Carwash squad of attractive ladies that could just come to my condo and suds up the family truckster, but sadly the FASCIST PRUDES of the condo committee have label it VERBOTEN to wash your car in the parking lot.

(Im)Moral of the story: Strike a blow for freedom, ladies! Squeeze into that bikini, and come over to scrub my car!!!!

OH REALLY?

It appears that Mr. Joseph Wong had not only a sex-change operation, but apparently a race-change operation as well.

Fun Fact: Fairfax County Geography

By: Daryl "Professor Touchy-Feely" Northrop

We all know how the 2 dimensional Mercator style map distorts the shape and scale of landmasses, right? (Just nod, you lazy morons. Pay attention for once in class, or else you'll only be able to do politics when you grow up, or be a crazed, drooling homeless person, whatever).

Well, underachievers, the problem is worse than we thought. This map, which cancels out all map distortion issues, shows the true geography of Fairfax County, Virginia (of which I am a proud resident of, because it's a rich, elitist county). We now know that Maine, Connecticut, Vermont, and New Hampshire are actually all completely encompassed within the southern portion of the county, near Clifton. So all you crusty northeastern Yankees, feel free to stop on by, you only live about 30 minutes from my house!

Dear Google: Just because it appears in my email doesn't mean I'm interested in it.....

*Editors note - the reason google picked up these terms is from a deliciously ranty email from April :-)

So this appeared in the side bar/frame/whatever in my gmail, right next to the ad for "Green Nigerian Viagra iPad Fortune Cash Money Boobs"

Frankly, not interested. Thanks anyways, Google-Pants.