Dear Northern Virginia drivers....

By: Daryl "Just run in to me, I like it. Yeah, do it harder baby" Northrop

Hello reader(s). This morning, for the SECOND TIME IN ONE WEEK, some mentally inert waste of oxygen spaced off at a stop light and rolled backwards into my front bumper. Good. Fucking. Times.

Luckily, an artist was present at each incident and was able to do a quick sketch of me:

Notice that when I am angry, my ears vanish. Weird, right?

Why? Why does this happen? How distracted/mentally deficient do you have to be in order to forget to keep you damn foot on the damn brake????

POP QUIZ: Identify the brake pedal in this mysterious jumble of automotive gadgetry:

Hint - it's NOT the skinny pedal.

And I end up asking myself "Why are Northern Virginia drivers so damn bad at driving?" Then, after nearly 20 seconds of Google-sleuthing, I found this!

AH HA!

Notice the left hand turn from the right hand lane maneuver on the cover. This is a Northern Virginia classic! I see this every single day. You're just not driving correctly unless you suspend every goddamned ounce of self awareness you have and just drive wherever the fuck you want. Bonus point if you are just plain suicidal.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go try to scrub the invisible fucking bullseye off the bumper of my super-tough Prius.

Pedestrians - Why U No Use Crosswalks????

Ted got the driving theme started, so here's my gripe. (get it? driving...started....like a car....see what I did there?)

Pedestrians - just a little query for you. Why do you not use crosswalks, or sidewalks, for that matter? Crosswalks are fairly magical places where you may cross the street, and most drivers agree not to run you over. The magic white stripes on the ground protect you. Seriously. For bonus fun, there are often lighted guides that will actually tell you when it is safe to cross and when it is not safe. You don't even have to think! The nanny-state will do it for you! Your government Daddy/Mommy knows best, after all.

(A visual representation of me, driving. Aren't I cutesy-patootsie?)

However, many of you feel the need to defy your all-knowing government and just cross wherever the fuck you want. Also, this tends to be right in front of me. Is it because I drive a Prius? Do you think I'm a nice, life-respecting person because I like to get 40mpg? Really, that's a dangerous assumption on your part. Why? Because in reality, my murderous urges are often held back only by sheer force of will.

Ooops! Have I said too much? Don't worry, I'm sure my violent rage-drenched urges are not directed against you. No, not you.....yes, you.

So, in the interest of a kinder, gentler, less blood-soaked life, I am going to fit my vehicle with a cow-catcher. What is a cow-catcher you might ask? It is a device that used to be fitted on the front of trains to deflect things from hitting it: cows, farmers, farmers daughters (oh yeah! BOING!), zombie nazi's, etc. I have un-earthed some documentary footage as to what a cow-catcher in use on an old-timey train looks like.

Ok - this video is about so much more than just a train using a cow-catcher, but hey, it makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile? Fuck you. That's what. :-)  <----that's me smiling right now.