FUCKING ANGRY CHILI

You should stop being such a fat fuck American with your HFCS-coated everything, and cook for yourself once in awhile you lazy fucks. Here's something easy that I made tonight (other than Daryl's mom) that's delicious, long lasting, and spicy.

ANGRY CHILI!

Buy these:

• 2 pounds of ground beef (if you want to go with some lame-ass "free-range grass-fed organically-masturbated" beef, fine, Jesus, you people, that's up to you. Capitalism!)
• 2 big fuck onions. I prefer yellow onions for this, but if you're considering a run at the GOP primary, white onions will also work.
• Garlic
• 2 big fuck cans of whole peeled tomatoes. The Cento ones in the yellow can are my favorite.
• BEER! Yes, beer. The darker and ale-ier it is, the better. If I catch you fuckers using Miller Lite, so help me Flying Spaghetti Monster...
• Chili powder. The usual red-topped spice thing you find at every grocery store everywhere will work, but if you want a kick, go to a farmers' market or Mexican orgy or wherever they sell chili and get some different chili. You'll wind up using damn near a third of a cup, maybe more, depending on how hot Daryl's mom likes it
• Some cumin, I guess?
• Salt
• Tomato paste maybe. We'll get to that. Have a tiny one on hand. I always do. Wokka wokka.
• Pinto beans that you've drained and rinsed and put in a bowl off to the side.

Do this:

1. Chop the onions. I was lame and used a food processor, and that's FINE because this is AMERICA. Use a knife if you think your favorite Food Network stars would cry otherwise.
2. Mince the garlic. I used about 5 cloves.
3. Open the cans of tomatoes, and drain the juice through a strainer but SAVE THE JUCE in a bowl. You'll want it later. Chop up the whole peeled tomatoes a bit so they're not just big floating red Turds of Flavor. Hey Daryl, isn't Turds of Flavor playing next week at the 9:30 Club? We should go.
4. Brown the ground beef in a frying pan. Drain as much grease as you want.
5. In a big stock pot, heat up some olive oil and then get the garlic sizzling.
6. Add the onions. Get 'em going.
7. Once the onions are brown-ish, add the BEEF.
8. Open a beer. Slam it.
9. Open a second beer. Pour *that* into the stock pot with the rest of the "food".
10. Let the alcohol burn off like you did the morning after Senior Prom.
11. Drop in peeled tomatoes.
12. Add in the chili powder and the cumin. Salt a bit, too, maybe.
13. It will probably be thicker than you like. That's ok, it's supposed to feel like that. I tried to warn you.
14. That tomato juice you strained from the can and set aside? Yeah, that. Put in more of that than you think is necessary, and let it cook with the lid off on medium for about 20 minutes so it reduces. Stir once in awhile. It'll thicken up.
15. If it's still too thin for your liking, let it reduce more and/or add some tomato paste. If it's too thick, add some water, but really, why would you?
16. Once it's a consistency you like, put the lid on and turn the heat to low and let it sit there for an hour. Stir if you remember to.
17. About 10 minutes before it's done, add in the pinto beans.
18. Did you taste it? It probably needs salt. Maybe some more chili powder. Careful, it's hot, you imbecile.
19. Better? Good. Eat it.
20. Top with shredded YELLOW FLAVORED CHEESE.
21. Clean up the mess you made unless you have an immigrant to help you with that.

This recipe makes a LOT, as in, like, enough for at least 5 or more people. If you don't have any friends, make some you yutz. It's called Facebook. Use it.

Open a window; you'll fart all night.

The end.