Here's a quickie for you. What? You want foreplay? Forget it. This blog is about my pleasure. Not yours. Not ever.
This humble (yet perfect) blog entry is about volume, as in sound energy.
I have a real issue with the sound mix in modern movies. Basically, it fucking sucks really really hard, like a black hole. The problem is this - when viewed on DVD, the recording level is ridiculously quiet for lines spoken between characters, you know, HUMAN SPEECH, which is allegedly where the plot lives. (Unless it's a Michael Bay movie, in that case, the plot exists partially in some explosions, but mostly in the glorious bosom of Megan Fox. LOL. Boobies.)
Conversely, for explosions, gunfire, machine noises, farm animal grunts, toilets flushing, and deep fat fryers, the volume level is recorded WAY TOO LOUD!
So that's where the title of this blog post comes from. 90% of movies on DVD sound like this: mumble, mumble, mumble, BOOM!!!!!!!, mumble, mumble.....and then a pinch of completely unnecessary but totally appreciated nudity.
Other potential titles for the entry were:
1. Why watch a movie when you can be forced to focus on the shitty sound level mixing?
2. Volume goes up, volume goes down, volume goes up, volume goes
down....
3. Movie sound engineers are all fucking sadists and need to die.
4. If you tell me I need Dolby Ultra 5.1 Super Thrust Surround Lube Sound Penetration Design speakers, I will test my new piranha collection on your (insert most prized and precious body party here).
1) When has this blog every been about foreplay?
ReplyDelete2) As a former sound mixer engineer at a TEEVEE station I can tell you that shut up it's for dramatic effect so when the bad guy comes bursting through the door, machine guns blazing, you jump from the couch (spilling your popcorn and diet doctor boner drink) all over your Snugee. Also your blanket. And then you are SURPRISED by the DRAMATIC turn of events that this movie plot has taken you on. Because LOUD!
3) You do need Dolby Ultra 5.1 Super Surround Lube Thrusty Sound Penetration Encompassing Squirty Speakers of Awesome because that's how the movie was *intended* to be heard in a *theater* where you go like a goddamn *patriotic* *American* *non-socialist* *probably not gay* person with disposable American Cash Dollars. They're not really mixed for your shitty simple poor person LEFT and RIGHT stereo surround. Usually the Dolby to Stereo Mixdown happens by a robot. What is this, 1965? Stereo surround? Please. That's so MySpace. So you need the Ultra Squirty Penetration Speakers to re-create the awesomeness that is the theater going experience, except without the teenagers in back fingering each other during the entire showing of "Contagion" not that that happened to me last week at all why would you ask going to the movies is GREAT! YEAH!
Also this blog needs more talk of farm animal grunts and Megan Foxxxxx. But maybe not in the same sentence.
ReplyDeleteOMFG it's 2011'ish and if they can't do a proper stereo mix for a DVD I swear to god I will turn the internet around right now and go home.
ReplyDelete1) I don't like foreplay; 2) I thought you were going to write about Washington Posts' subscriptions.
ReplyDelete1. Good - you will get none here.
ReplyDelete2. Patience. This post was foreplay for the Washington Post subscription rant.