Wednesday, April 18, 2012

So my Prius was pollen colored.....

By: Daryl "SudsyClean" Northrop

Dear Reader(s),

As you might know, spring is spranging all over the place here in the People's Democratic Republic of Northern Virginia. The means plants have having sex like crazy and spewing their love-pollen all over everything. Well, apparently my Prius is DEAD SEXY if you are a plant, that is. 

It has been covered with tree spunk for about 2 weeks now. So I thought "Hey! Maybe I'll get the car washed and the local Car Scrubbery Center!"

Silly me. What was I thinking?

Car wash number one: out of order.
Car wash number two: overrun with customers, plus their payment box only accepts cash, except that it won't accept cash, so you have to go in and buy an authorization code.

*Thanks for all your hard work, Abdul Raheem! They aren't paying you enough, I'm sure. 

So what's the big deal, you might ask? Let me tell you. There is a weird dichotomy in the car wash world between the "inner suburbs" and the "outer suburbs." In the inner suburbs, you have your choice between: Sketchy automated carwashes located at gas station that are either broken, or nearly broken. Or, you have to go to a car wash center where you have to get out of your car, pick your "wash package" (scented soap, unscented soap, lysol-bomb your interior, sing a lullaby to your tires, rub a goat on your dashboard, alphabetize your glove compartment, remove the banana from your tailpipe?). Ugh. Too many choices. Plus, 75 guys bum-rush your vehicle at the end to dry it off with hand towels. I have no idea if this involves an orgy of tipping or not. It's just too confusing. Too many options, too many people, plus I don't want to surrender my car and actually have to interact with other human beings in any way, ever. So there. 

In the outer suburbs, you have lots of automated carwashes, and some car wash centers. So if you want to use an automated car wash like Zeus intended, then you actually have access to them!!!! Is that so damn hard, inner suburbs???

So in one of those weird reality-vortex's that open up periodically, it comes down to that in one of the wealthiest suburbs in the nation, it's difficult to get your car washed. It would be so much easier if there were some sort of mobile Bikini Carwash squad of attractive ladies that could just come to my condo and suds up the family truckster, but sadly the FASCIST PRUDES of the condo committee have label it VERBOTEN to wash your car in the parking lot.

(Im)Moral of the story: Strike a blow for freedom, ladies! Squeeze into that bikini, and come over to scrub my car!!!!

Thursday, April 12, 2012


It appears that Mr. Joseph Wong had not only a sex-change operation, but apparently a race-change operation as well.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Fun Fact: Fairfax County Geography

By: Daryl "Professor Touchy-Feely" Northrop

We all know how the 2 dimensional Mercator style map distorts the shape and scale of landmasses, right? (Just nod, you lazy morons. Pay attention for once in class, or else you'll only be able to do politics when you grow up, or be a crazed, drooling homeless person, whatever).

Well, underachievers, the problem is worse than we thought. This map, which cancels out all map distortion issues, shows the true geography of Fairfax County, Virginia (of which I am a proud resident of, because it's a rich, elitist county). We now know that Maine, Connecticut, Vermont, and New Hampshire are actually all completely encompassed within the southern portion of the county, near Clifton. So all you crusty northeastern Yankees, feel free to stop on by, you only live about 30 minutes from my house!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dear Google: Just because it appears in my email doesn't mean I'm interested in it.....

*Editors note - the reason google picked up these terms is from a deliciously ranty email from April :-)

So this appeared in the side bar/frame/whatever in my gmail, right next to the ad for "Green Nigerian Viagra iPad Fortune Cash Money Boobs"

Frankly, not interested. Thanks anyways, Google-Pants.