Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Stupid advertising is the wave of the future!!!!

By: Daryl

If by "wave," you mean "giant splash from something falling in the toilet....from your buttocks." So apparently marketing and advertising firms can churn out steamers like the banner below and their clients love it!

Clearly, I should change jobs, I can churn out lines like the ones below all damn day. Now, don thy Cyber-Cod Piece and thrust off into battle against the Cyber Mongol Hordes of DOOM!

Just look at it! Holy Cyber-Balls, that's some fine advertising!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Angry Math, or, how 39 equals 75

By: Daryl


Which is Daryl? Which is Ted? Who knows? Have you gotten off my lawn yet?

Monday, I ran some errands that proved that 39 equals 75. Or, more specifically, as a 39 year old, I morphed into a 75 year old due to the nature of my errands. The errands were:

  1. I went to the post office. Old people LOVE the post office. Why? Lord only knows. Ask a geezer yourself and report back to me.
  2. I mailed the complimentary calendar that I got with my Washington Post newspaper subscription. Yes, an actual paper-and-ink newspaper. Quaint, eh? And oh-so-retro! Fucking hipsters have nothing on me...
  3. And other errand was....drumroll please....I had to pick up fresh batteries for my hearing aid!** 
What. The. Hell. I'm never running errands again. 

Brainstorm! Perhaps I should switch to a non-electrical hearing aid. Do you think this is a good idea? What? I can't hear you. SPEAK THE HELL UP!

**Yes, I have a hearing aid in my left ear. Why? Because I have a hearing loss, dumbass.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Stick your office birthday/condolence/congrats cards up your paper tray...

By: Daryl

Have I mentioned how much I loathe the dreaded manila folder that contains some birthday/condolence/congrats card that gets passed to me to sign at least once a week? No? Not paying attention?

Well prepare yourself. Because I am about to do some mentioning.

Problem 1: Who has signed the card already? Why is this an issue? Well, half of the people who sign break out their 4th grade cursive, which makes their name look like a bunch of little ink marks shat out by a snail who was crawling across the card whilst suffering a severe case of diarrhea. Could we please just have a tick-sheet for people to mark off that they've signed? OMFG, that would be difficult!

Problem 2: If I'm the last person to sign, who does the card go back to? As near as I can tell, these cards materialize out of thin air a few desks away from me, and then are returned to the office-ether from whence they came after I pass it on to someone else. Mommy, Daddy, where do greeting cards come from? WHERE G-DDAMNIT? Because a post-it note with "Return to Becky in HR!!!!" is just not going to happen.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Not an actual blog post - just a teaser!

By: Daryl

Upcoming topics that you will read with enraptured interest - in no particular order:

1. Stop Scaring White People

2. Congress vs The Law vs You vs Soap On A Rope

3. 39 = 75, and I'll prove it to you

Wait patiently, or you won't get any pudding.

(oil)NATO(oil) priorities(oil) regarding(oil) the(oil) Arctic(oil). Also, oil.

By: Daryl

Hey there reader-people! Good morning. BRING ME MOAR EFFING COFFEE RIGHT NOW! Ahem. Thank you. The following entry doesn't really make me angry, just bemusing.

Because I'm a nerd (and you are too, just admit it), I spent some time browsing the NATO public briefing library. Lots of good information regarding the changing situation in the Arctic. As we all know, the vast left wing conspiracy invented global warming as a way to clear ice from the Arctic ocean so we can all sail our yachts there. Or whatever. Anyhow, things are changing in Santa's neighborhood, and NATO has helpfully put together lots of presentations about it.

Take a look at the blog topic tags at the bottom. I know oil is important, you know, for lube production. I'm talking about for machinery.....what the hell were you thinking? Pervert. However, it seems whoever tagged these entries thought "if one "oil" is good, five more must be betterish!"

And they were right! 

In other news, NATO has changed its name to the North Atlantic Treaty Oilganisation.

Blog tags: Oil,  Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil, Oil,



Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Work anger is hard at work...

By Daryl

It's a "Here, let me do your fucking job for you" day here in Cubeville.

Friday, November 11, 2011

I am the flame, they are the moths. My anger will incinerate them...

By: Daryl

Lovely readers, I have a problem. People crowd around me, but not in a good way. You may find this hard to believe, but to-date, the Redskins cheerleaders have not clumped around me. Shocking, and kind of sad, isn't it?

I'll wait whilst you dry the tears from your eyes.

People crowd around me at the most inopportune times, such as:

1. When I want a moment of piece at the super market to check my tweets via the oh-so-smartphone. Generally, I try to stand out of the way, in front of little-sought after items, like organic rhino-balls. But, the moment I whip out my phone, EVERYONE MUST HAVE ORGANIC RHINO BALLS RIGHT THAT FUCKING INSTANT. "Oh, excuse me, let me move so as to not impede your need for the rhino testes." Fuck.

2. When I have to resolve a pressure imbalance between my colon and the rest of the world. Ok, Mr or Ms Science, yes, I'm talking about farting, trouser sneezing, a mini-methane-miasma if you will. Don't act like it doesn't happen to you, Captain Gasballs. Again, pardon me.....but as I move away, do try to determine the source of the rich, earthy aroma that envelopes you....

3. (my personal favorite) When I'm already boiling with rage and just cannot stand another moment of contact with humanity. Invariably, some worthless sack of mostly fluid decided to strike up a conversation with me, because I look nice. Do. Not. Be. Fooled. I am not nice. I just appear to be nice.

Note to self, time to wear a t-shirt at all times with the message: Approach With Caution.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

ALL VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTHERS (sounds like socialism to me) SHALL VOTE!

By: Daryl

Hey you. YES YOU! 

Hi, lard-ass. It's election day. If you are here in the Peoples Republic Of Northern Virginia, it's going to be a beautiful day - sunny, mild, pleasant. Nothing is more pleasant the voting. Not even rubbing up against me on the subway, fucking perverts.

Of course, even if it was raining, that's no excuse not to vote.

Our revolutionary soldiers showed up to work in the rain....THE RAIN OF BRITISH BULLETS AND CANNON FIRE!

So, kindly get your sorry ass to a votertorium and do you duty. Please and thank you.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Angry Tech is Tech Support Angry

By: /Anonymous/ (for real! He, or she, did not want their real name used.)

I hate all of you cheap little fuckers who think that because I work
customer service or tech support, I'm incompetent or the bottom of the
food chain.  Hear this articulate and confident voice?  I'm not some
little 18 year-old spermicidal wanking goon.  I actually have a clue
and can use it to save your ass.

Listen asshole, good psychoanalysis is expensive.  Good psychoanalysis
on both your computer and you - because 3 chances out of 4 you made it
fucking nuts, friend - ain't any cheaper.  Yeah, that's right, I said
you did it.  Probably.  No matter how often I might professionally say
that pushing the wrong button and making your email blow up doesn't
really happen, chances are you pushed a SERIES of wrong buttons and
got yourself into this pile of shit.

What do I mean?  What's this Antivirus 2010?  That's malicious. You
let it on your system because you didn't pay attention.  Oh, and
Bearshare?  Who the fuck still uses Bearshare?  Do you like your aging
hookers with the clap and herpes too?  And who the hell told you to
store 100 gigs of cat photos on your desktop?

Did you know that the bozos a few miles away over are charging $75 an
hour, and they don't know shit?  Just because that little office
claims all their technicians are certified, doesn't mean they actually
know what they're doing.  They're all recent recent grads at their
first full-time job and don't know jack.  Once they do know, they're
out the door because they disagree with their cheapass boss and won't
take his shit any longer.

Those Geek Squad assembly line freaks are the dropouts, over-confident
kids & slicksters. They charge $100 an hour to basically piss on your
data while "cleaning up" your computer.  They'd repost your webcam
porn in heartbeat if they notice your naughty little files.  They slap
a "solution" into your computer and hammer the space bar a dozen times
while waiting for the other 6 machines they're also looking at to
prompt them to push a button.  They don't care about you or the
pictures of your cat that died 2 months ago.  The Geek Squad is around
only to sell you unnecessary crap and to insure that you're a repeat
customer not through great service, but through undetectable shitty

I'm going to give you far more love, respect and personal attention
than those misanthropic pieces of meat ever will.  And for that,
you're going to look at me like I'm not fucking worth the money.

I'll actually sit down with you, ask you questions, and sincerely
figure out the problem without passing judgement, and then
spectacularly rescue only half your iTunes because you downloaded some
viral piece of garbage.  And I'll spend half my time killing myself
for the other half of your Sinatra collection because no matter how
good I am, there always some Russian Mafia freakjob who's such a
shitty coder that he always kills the hostages, and so those files are
hopelessly scrambled.

Yeah.  Don't believe me.

How's that Dell tech suport working out for ya?

And by all means, get your teenager to sort it out.

I hope someone shows up at your job tomorrow and says you're not worth
the money, asshole.  Because they're probably right.

Angryness of the day: product/service + bizarre advertising = PROFIT! YAY C(r)APITALISM!

By: Daryl

Advertising is supposed to increase my desire and awareness about a product, service, or brand. However, ad designers do not seem to know this. Apparently, their goal is to confuse, alienate, or frighten me into buying their product or service.

Take the ad above. Now, I don't need reading glasses, as I have perfect 20/20 vision. Apparently, the rumored side-effects of all that teenage self-abuse were false, THANK GOD. Anyway, here is what I learned from the ad: If I use 'Zoom' brand reading glasses, I will be able to see well enough to solve my knock-off "Rubiks-esque" cube, and have a giant man-hand compress my chest cavity."


Sunday, November 6, 2011

Mrs. Daryl Is Angry!

(Editor's note: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!)

By: April

My fans (all 2-3 of 'em) have been demanding a guest post to "Angry Daryl".  I've been trying to cultivate a more tolerable, nicer me (no laughing), but sometimes the irritation is too much to handle and needs to be purged.  And you have to give your adoring public what they want:

For decades (yes, I'm old enough I can add that "S" at the end.....bite me) I have searched in vain for winter gloves that are both fashionable and warm.  Doesn't fucking exist.  I've tried it all, from the natural fibers (wool, suede/shearling, cashmere) to the synthetic material du jour (thinsulate, polar fleece, heat packets)  - nothing works.  These never-had-a-manicure hands remain blocks of ice through the Winter, no matter what climate I live in.  Sure, some material may actually keep your hands warm (or too warm, thank you sweaty polar fleece....ew) but then the wind cuts right through and negates it all.

Holiday catalog season is upon us and I enjoy flipping through to see the NEWEST!  LATEST AND GREATEST!!! products.  Especially Hammacher Schlemmer.  Because the rich will always have the $$ to support ridiculous shit such as:

The swiss watchmakers boite a musique at $25,300.00  Think I'm making this up??  Screw you.  Look it up yourself.

But one product had me breathing heavy:

The heat-storing leather gloves

"...technology originally developed for NASA astronauts"....blah blah blah..."store heat in their microcapsule-insulated lining"....ohhhhh, baby...."soft Italian-finished nappa leather".......now we're talkin'!......"provide a snug fit at first, the leather will gently conform to the shape of your hands with wear"......a little to the left, please......$69.95 price tag - not unreasonable.  Bring me on home, Big Daddy!!!  ......"Women's style with palm vent"........WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!........Who just farted right before my happy ending???!!!

WTF do I want with a 'palm vent'?  So I can remember how fucking cold it is outside???  Some clothing traditions CAN and should be discontinued.  All that goodness ruined by a 1" slit.  Bastards.

My hunt continues.

In the meantime, honey - would you go warm up the car, please?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Guest post: Angry Breanne is Angry at the TV!

By: Breanne

The Idiot Box

Greetings, all of Daryl’s fellow rage-a-holics! If you’re lucky enough to know me, you know that I speak very openly and crassly about my one-sided battle with depression. If you’re just meeting me for the first time, well, let me tell you – I speak very openly and crassly about my one-sided battle with depression (I say one-sided because I watch from the couch as it slowly takes over my life). But I know I’m not alone. Many people experience depression, a large majority being mothers, particularly first-time mothers. And do you know who is staying home with the children during the day? The mothers; especially first-time mothers. And do you know what they’re watching? The Doctors, and a variety of other daytime talk shows, soap operas, and news programs. I don’t know what depression is like for other people, but the topics I happened to run across on one such day of being a stay-at-home mom are of no help to anybody.

Growing up, I was only generally aware of the Today Show, just thinking it was perpetually on one channel. Now that I’m an adult, I know that it’s only a measly 5 hours, and I’m routinely up before it starts at 7am. I appreciate how they promote the crap out of the segments they have coming up, like they’re Uncle Leo with a death grip on your arm for fear you’d walk away. So, thanks to these hyper-ads I was routinely teased with a man who received multiple transplants – high risk, one-in-a-million of course – and was going to meet the donor family for the very first time. Are you fucking kidding me?! Not only am I depressed, I’m also slightly groggy and a little pissed that I’m not still in bed. So, for the next 4 hours I’m reduced to tears because it just happens to be the moment I walk into the living room that I get to hear about it….again. So I cheated on Today and flipped over to Good Morning America.

Here we have the black woman who documented her battle with cancer much like – but much less gross – Katie Couric’s tour of her colon (I’m not racist, I just don’t remember her name and I’m too lazy to look it up. If you want to know so badly, you do it. Let me know what you find out). The woman next to her starts a story about a woman who decided to give birth in an art museum. Um, sure. People have weddings there, so why the heck not? And people would be able to watch, i.e. performance art. Um, I’m sorry, what?! I changed the channel just as they said, “This material is not suitable for all viewers.” I love a good birth story, as long as there aren’t cameras and a price of admissions involved. Furthermore, who watches this kind of thing?! People spout, “Oh, childbirth is a beautiful thing!” No, it’s not. It’s fucking gross and involves vomit, blood, mucous, drool, human tissue, and poop. Yes poop! Next you’ll tell me taking a dump is beautiful. But I digress…..So there I was, changing the channel….

Remember Steve Wilkos circa Jerry Springer when it was so conveniently on right when we got home from school? He was the one who burst every balloon in the audience by breaking up the stripping fights when a really gross person started fighting with an even grosser person. Now he has his own show which is a step above Jerry, but below Maury and in my haste to avoid the desecration of an art museum, I accidentally landed on Steve and his Shocking Molestation Accusations. Now this just made me sick.

I managed to make it through the rest of my daytime schedule relatively unscathed. I love The Talk, and I find Anderson Cooper to be just creepy enough that he’s entertaining. My baby usually takes a nap around then and I decide it’s a good time for me too. We get up around 3pm, just in time for Dr. Phil, which I never pollute my ears with. In all honesty, I just really can’t stand his accent, but his channel is still one from before we went to sleep.
I wasn’t really watching because they were showing those explanatory, reenactment videos so I checked the information guide. On this very special episode, Dr. Phil was berating parents who are believed to be inflicting too harsh of punishments on their children, presumably an idea sprung from the video of the Judge whipping his daughter. Among them being…..wait for it…..gluing their children’s hands (to what it didn’t say), and forcing a child to kill a pet. Yes, you read that right. Even re-writing it now is making my heart pound and my hands start to shake.

After that, the rest of my day sort-of went downhill. I don’t blame it on TV, but is there no part of a producer’s mind that might consider this would BOTHER people?! Specifically considering said producer probably has her own standing prescription of Zoloft. People think they’re being cutting edge, ground-breaking journalism, bladdy, blah, blah. Fine, but why put it on daytime television when mothers are home alone and have easy access to kitchen knives? Better yet – these children these shows claim to be looking out for aren’t; in case you missed the memo, children are awake during the day and will probably offer a glance or two at the television. Yes, it’s my responsibility to make sure she isn’t watching anything she isn’t supposed to, but, come on, work with me here, since you’re supposed to be rated G. Or E….whatever.

Now here it is in the evening and we’re watching a documentary on banjoes on PBS. You can still be informed without learning every gruesome detail; and sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

New angry topics coming up....

By: Daryl

Here's some volcanic anger boiling towards the surface.....

Future posts:

1. Clumping people. Near me. NO. NO. NO.

2. Scaring whitey.

Stay tuned, goobers.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Do you know what DOESN'T make me angry? Artists that stand the test of time

By: Daryl

Last weekend, wife-unit April and I went to Ted's little Halloween soiree, and hung out for a bit with all the other very white, white, whiter than white people. In other words, we blended right in.

Music was playing in the background. It was Gary Numan's classic electronic track "Cars" from 1979. A bit cheesy by today's standards, but groundbreaking then. Take a look and a listen, maggots. Know your fucking history.

So, what is Gary Numan up to these days? As it turns out, he's still making really great music! If you like any industrial, techno, electronic, dub-step, breakbeat, type of music nowadays, you owe Gary Numan a word of thanks.

Here is his current video "The Fall" released on his new album "Dead Son Rising." This song fucking rocks on every level, bitches.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Rage trigger #56,887: Shitty hairstyles I thought had died in the 1980's

By: Daryl

Hey, the 80's were a magical time. Reagan, the USSR, the sense that World War III could break out at any moment, the birth of hip-hop, etc. Yes, the 80's were grand, but lets face it, some of the clothing and hairstyles needed to die when the 80's ended.* One such hair-style is called the "Rat Tail." It is a cousin of the more retro-popular mullet, where the hair is braided into a very skinny, long braid. Literally looks like a rat's tail. It probably smells like one as well.

Today, spotted in the mall in Ballston, was, I shit you not, a rat-tail, IN THE FUCKING WILD. Ninja-cam'd it for you.

HORRIFYING, ISN'T IT! Oh yeah, felt like I was back in high school, hanging out at Merle Hay Mall in Des Moines. Fucking rat-tail city. But no, it's 2011. Things like this should exist in 2011. Should they? Should....they? <SOBS> HOLD ME, TED. HOLD ME!!!!!!!

*Fashion disclaimer. I admit to having a mullet in the 1980's, but not a rat-tail. Jealous, aren't you? Goddamn right you are.

Hipsta Gangsta? Oh hell no.....

By: Daryl


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Fine. Just stand there and stare.

I was at the grocery store today and noticed while walking down the meat section that when I looked down any random aisle, there were anywhere from 3-10 people standing in the middle of the aisle fucking reading stupid bullshit on their godforsaken information-phones.

Nobody was actually *buying* anything.

There may have been one or two older ladies buying crackers, but the people in my age group who clearly just left work (so many suits!) (this is the closest major grocery store to the Senate side of Capitol Hill, mind you) were just not even aware that they were in a grocery store aisle, much less that there was this awkward fat dude (me) trying to make my way to the goddamn Cheeze-Its so I can purchase them to cram into my face hole because they're delicious shut up.

Just stopped. In the way. Information-phones.


Stalking Ted isn't always fun and games....

By: Daryl

One of my duties as Chief Dictator in Chief of Angry Daryl Is Angry is to relentlessly stalk my fellow rage-bro, Ted. Because I.....hey....I don't need to explain myself to you people!!!!! 


I had been lurking in the shrubbery on Halloween, trying to figure out how to steal Teds candy, and went in to use his bathroom. Ted was wearing a shirt with an unusual message. Sure, Ted claims to be all liberal ooey-gooey-be-nice-to-poor-people-and-trees, but behind closed doors, it's a whole new ball game.

Ted, when the glorious, moderately left-wing revolution comes, I'll save you a comfy seat in the Barack Hussein Obama/ACORN/MSNBC People's Re-education Camp #1.