I hate all of you cheap little fuckers who think that because I work
customer service or tech support, I'm incompetent or the bottom of the
food chain. Hear this articulate and confident voice? I'm not some
little 18 year-old spermicidal wanking goon. I actually have a clue
and can use it to save your ass.
Listen asshole, good psychoanalysis is expensive. Good psychoanalysis
on both your computer and you - because 3 chances out of 4 you made it
fucking nuts, friend - ain't any cheaper. Yeah, that's right, I said
you did it. Probably. No matter how often I might professionally say
that pushing the wrong button and making your email blow up doesn't
really happen, chances are you pushed a SERIES of wrong buttons and
got yourself into this pile of shit.
What do I mean? What's this Antivirus 2010? That's malicious. You
let it on your system because you didn't pay attention. Oh, and
Bearshare? Who the fuck still uses Bearshare? Do you like your aging
hookers with the clap and herpes too? And who the hell told you to
store 100 gigs of cat photos on your desktop?
Did you know that the bozos a few miles away over are charging $75 an
hour, and they don't know shit? Just because that little office
claims all their technicians are certified, doesn't mean they actually
know what they're doing. They're all recent recent grads at their
first full-time job and don't know jack. Once they do know, they're
out the door because they disagree with their cheapass boss and won't
take his shit any longer.
Those Geek Squad assembly line freaks are the dropouts, over-confident
kids & slicksters. They charge $100 an hour to basically piss on your
data while "cleaning up" your computer. They'd repost your webcam
porn in heartbeat if they notice your naughty little files. They slap
a "solution" into your computer and hammer the space bar a dozen times
while waiting for the other 6 machines they're also looking at to
prompt them to push a button. They don't care about you or the
pictures of your cat that died 2 months ago. The Geek Squad is around
only to sell you unnecessary crap and to insure that you're a repeat
customer not through great service, but through undetectable shitty
I'm going to give you far more love, respect and personal attention
than those misanthropic pieces of meat ever will. And for that,
you're going to look at me like I'm not fucking worth the money.
I'll actually sit down with you, ask you questions, and sincerely
figure out the problem without passing judgement, and then
spectacularly rescue only half your iTunes because you downloaded some
viral piece of garbage. And I'll spend half my time killing myself
for the other half of your Sinatra collection because no matter how
good I am, there always some Russian Mafia freakjob who's such a
shitty coder that he always kills the hostages, and so those files are
Yeah. Don't believe me.
How's that Dell tech suport working out for ya?
And by all means, get your teenager to sort it out.
I hope someone shows up at your job tomorrow and says you're not worth
the money, asshole. Because they're probably right.