Lovely readers, I have a problem. People crowd around me, but not in a good way. You may find this hard to believe, but to-date, the Redskins cheerleaders have not clumped around me. Shocking, and kind of sad, isn't it?
I'll wait whilst you dry the tears from your eyes.
People crowd around me at the most inopportune times, such as:
1. When I want a moment of piece at the super market to check my tweets via the oh-so-smartphone. Generally, I try to stand out of the way, in front of little-sought after items, like organic rhino-balls. But, the moment I whip out my phone, EVERYONE MUST HAVE ORGANIC RHINO BALLS RIGHT THAT FUCKING INSTANT. "Oh, excuse me, let me move so as to not impede your need for the rhino testes." Fuck.
2. When I have to resolve a pressure imbalance between my colon and the rest of the world. Ok, Mr or Ms Science, yes, I'm talking about farting, trouser sneezing, a mini-methane-miasma if you will. Don't act like it doesn't happen to you, Captain Gasballs. Again, pardon me.....but as I move away, do try to determine the source of the rich, earthy aroma that envelopes you....
3. (my personal favorite) When I'm already boiling with rage and just cannot stand another moment of contact with humanity. Invariably, some worthless sack of mostly fluid decided to strike up a conversation with me, because I look nice. Do. Not. Be. Fooled. I am not nice. I just appear to be nice.
Note to self, time to wear a t-shirt at all times with the message: Approach With Caution.