Sunday, November 6, 2011

Mrs. Daryl Is Angry!

(Editor's note: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!)

By: April

My fans (all 2-3 of 'em) have been demanding a guest post to "Angry Daryl".  I've been trying to cultivate a more tolerable, nicer me (no laughing), but sometimes the irritation is too much to handle and needs to be purged.  And you have to give your adoring public what they want:

For decades (yes, I'm old enough I can add that "S" at the end.....bite me) I have searched in vain for winter gloves that are both fashionable and warm.  Doesn't fucking exist.  I've tried it all, from the natural fibers (wool, suede/shearling, cashmere) to the synthetic material du jour (thinsulate, polar fleece, heat packets)  - nothing works.  These never-had-a-manicure hands remain blocks of ice through the Winter, no matter what climate I live in.  Sure, some material may actually keep your hands warm (or too warm, thank you sweaty polar fleece....ew) but then the wind cuts right through and negates it all.

Holiday catalog season is upon us and I enjoy flipping through to see the NEWEST!  LATEST AND GREATEST!!! products.  Especially Hammacher Schlemmer.  Because the rich will always have the $$ to support ridiculous shit such as:

The swiss watchmakers boite a musique at $25,300.00  Think I'm making this up??  Screw you.  Look it up yourself.

But one product had me breathing heavy:

The heat-storing leather gloves

" originally developed for NASA astronauts"....blah blah blah..."store heat in their microcapsule-insulated lining"....ohhhhh, baby...."soft Italian-finished nappa leather" we're talkin'!......"provide a snug fit at first, the leather will gently conform to the shape of your hands with wear"......a little to the left, please......$69.95 price tag - not unreasonable.  Bring me on home, Big Daddy!!!  ......"Women's style with palm vent"........WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!........Who just farted right before my happy ending???!!!

WTF do I want with a 'palm vent'?  So I can remember how fucking cold it is outside???  Some clothing traditions CAN and should be discontinued.  All that goodness ruined by a 1" slit.  Bastards.

My hunt continues.

In the meantime, honey - would you go warm up the car, please?


  1. Rabbit fur - really, rabbit fur gloves work pretty well. I got some for Christmas one year. WheI say they work ret well, I mean better than average, of course, nothing works #really#. Plus, il think rabbit fur gives are less costly than those Hammacher Schleptere ones, and the you could afford one of those Hammacheer Schrecklicher airplane-o-cycles.

  2. #.+*[?] "intuitive" keyboard! Even I don't type that badly....!!

  3. $70 for a pair of gloves is not unreasonable? When did Mrs. Daryl join the 1%?

  4. Mrs. Daryl has ALWAYS been part of the 1%, if just in spirit.

    *trudges out to start the car*

  5. Leather Mrs. Daryl!!! I had an awesome pair from Ann Taylor last year, leather 3/4 sleeves so my WHOLE arm was warm!! then, I lost one. Now I have one leather glove and come to think of it, I"m fucking angry about that too...