Mayhem and me

By guest blogger: April!

Another ghastly day of commuting to the office... Where do I start? Would it be the lady on the metro car, sharing her "melodious" singing voice with the rest of us AT 6:15AM? Or, the guy on the bus, snoring softly, just enough to make you notice?

But then the real fun starts AT the office!

Someone's breakfast consisting of greasy, heated, stinky potatoes. A temper-tantrum throwing programmer (thank God he's raising the next generation). The interminable meeting. More co-workers sharing their American Idol talents (seriously, whatever happened to solitary, silent enjoying of music?). More re-heated gaggy lunch leftovers.

Yeah, it's PMS week....SO FUCKING WHAT?!?!! But the topper of the day was the commute back.

It started with an agonizingly slow bus ride....

But, the piece-de-resistance whilst observing from my throne on the metro (outside rail, above ground) was the gentleman in the four door sedan that decided there was far, far too much space between him and the concrete barrier. I kid you not, at 60 miles per hour, the car eased into the concrete and was going so fast that the drivers side front and rear tires lifted off the pavement.

I cannot believe he didn't flip the car! I didn't notice any panicky movements, or sudden swerving. He just calmly started to decelerate. In my disbelief and horror, I realized there was nothing I could do as I was hurled over the metro tracks, trapped in my train-car.

And now, I raise my travel flask to the imbecile's of the day: To the smellies, to the snories, and to the crash-test dummies; Have a nice day.

Mrs. Daryl Is Angry!

(Editor's note: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!)

By: April


My fans (all 2-3 of 'em) have been demanding a guest post to "Angry Daryl".  I've been trying to cultivate a more tolerable, nicer me (no laughing), but sometimes the irritation is too much to handle and needs to be purged.  And you have to give your adoring public what they want:
   

     

For decades (yes, I'm old enough I can add that "S" at the end.....bite me) I have searched in vain for winter gloves that are both fashionable and warm.  Doesn't fucking exist.  I've tried it all, from the natural fibers (wool, suede/shearling, cashmere) to the synthetic material du jour (thinsulate, polar fleece, heat packets)  - nothing works.  These never-had-a-manicure hands remain blocks of ice through the Winter, no matter what climate I live in.  Sure, some material may actually keep your hands warm (or too warm, thank you sweaty polar fleece....ew) but then the wind cuts right through and negates it all.

Holiday catalog season is upon us and I enjoy flipping through to see the NEWEST!  LATEST AND GREATEST!!! products.  Especially Hammacher Schlemmer.  Because the rich will always have the $$ to support ridiculous shit such as:

The swiss watchmakers boite a musique at $25,300.00  Think I'm making this up??  Screw you.  Look it up yourself.

But one product had me breathing heavy:

The heat-storing leather gloves

"...technology originally developed for NASA astronauts"....blah blah blah..."store heat in their microcapsule-insulated lining"....ohhhhh, baby...."soft Italian-finished nappa leather".......now we're talkin'!......"provide a snug fit at first, the leather will gently conform to the shape of your hands with wear"......a little to the left, please......$69.95 price tag - not unreasonable.  Bring me on home, Big Daddy!!!  ......"Women's style with palm vent"........WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT????!!!........Who just farted right before my happy ending???!!!

WTF do I want with a 'palm vent'?  So I can remember how fucking cold it is outside???  Some clothing traditions CAN and should be discontinued.  All that goodness ruined by a 1" slit.  Bastards.

My hunt continues.

In the meantime, honey - would you go warm up the car, please?