Monday, October 31, 2011

Angry Daryl Being Angry

Here's a creepy shot of one of your esteemed blogger persons when he and his wife abandoned all sense of good taste and showed up at this blogger's house for no apparent reason.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Good news to all the Fatty McFatterson's out there

By: Daryl

Get excited in your pants for horrible, fat-drenched food, delivered directly to your house, practically RIGHT INTO YOUR FAT PIE-HOLE. Because, we just didn't have far too many options for this already.

I am getting fatter just writing this blog-post, and you're chunking up alarmingly as you read it.

We received this little love-note in our mailbox last week.

Apparently, Burger King, in a move to get more Americans to self-inflict obesity, heart disease, and diabetes on themselves, will deliver their alleged food-like products straight to your door. The door to your lazy, stained-with-shame, house. Why? Because you just ordered Burger King, which is bad enough, but were too damned lazy to walk (wtf is that?), ride a bike (again, wtf is that?), take a taxi (now we're talking), or drive in your large, American-made automobile (HELL YEAH!)  in an effort to get your bag of greasy death.

So dial away, porkie! A bloated death can now be brought to your door.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Blogspot hates me and the Green Party

By: Daryl

AND I HATE YOU RIGHT FUCKING BACK! Seriously, me....Green Party.....awesomeness. Think about it.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Outrage of the day: Shitty DJ's and SuperStar DJ's who are actually just Shitty DJ's on a big stage

By: Daryl

Just to be clear, by DJ,  I do not mean "on air voice personality that speaks in nothing but cliche's." I mean someone who mixes songs together with the intent of achieving a purpose: a lively dancefloor, evoking a mood, supporting rappers on stage, etc.

Shitty DJ's make me fucking crazy in the head, so do superstar Shitty DJ's.

First, some definitions. Below, courtesy of Ted "I gotta YouBoob clip for that" Severson, is a shitty DJ. He's a wedding DJ who wears sneakers, and likes to keep time with the music by....well, just watch the clip. Not Really Safe For Work, fyi. Do you even have a job???

Well, that was horrifying, wasn't it? I have to go gouge my eyes out with a shovel, soaked in lemon juice, covered in cobra venom. That's better..........

Below, we have Tiesto, who is a SuperStar Shitty DJ. His music (and may of his ilk) is characterized by the same beat for 90 minutes that neither gets faster or slower, songs that have nothing but shimmery synth sounds sprinked with vapid female vocals, with the same beat (thumpthumpthumpthumpthump), and are usually coupled with an AMAZING light show to give you some distraction to the boredom being generated behind the turntables. (Insider tip, most do not use turntables and vinyl - they use mp3 files and controllers).

So, start the caffeine drip, and check out this craptacular DJ.

An example of a DJ with amazing skill, and music taste is Z-Trip, a party-style DJ. Check out the different styles of music, actual turntable use, and some unexpected twists.

Also at the level of Z-Trip is MixMaster Mike. He is an incredible DJ (hip-hop, turntablist, scratch) in his own right, and is also the DJ for the Beastie Boys.

And lastly, we have DJ? Acucrack (producer, dancefloor). Sorry for the mediocre sound quality, it's the best I could find.

And if you are still reading by this point, why don't you check out a little mix I've done for a friends brunch. It's a bit rough, but it has potential. You can listen or download here.

Say, would you like to be a Shitty DJ or a Shitty SuperStar DJ, or maybe an actual DJ that is fun to listen to? You can download a free mixing program here. No controller hardware required, just music files, and you own imagination. Just try not to suck, ok?

Monday, October 24, 2011

Do you work in an office? Yay! You're screwed!

By: Daryl

Hello fellow mouth-breathers.

Do you work in an office? So do I!!!! We're cubicle buddies! We make "TPS Report" jokes from the late 90's still sound fresh as they did 4 years ago when they were still pretty damn old.

As you may know, offices have "problems" such as: IT systems that do not work, or other employees that do not work, or employees who work very hard at wasting the time of other employees actually trying to do work. So, what is management to do? Do they:

  1. Clearly address the issue and give firm guidance (heh. 'Firm.' *giggle*)?
  2. Make prudent investments in computer and network technology and other shiny electronic boobs?
  3. Ruthlessly discipline the aforementioned malcontent employees?
Good lord, NO! What do you think this is, Star Trek?

What is usually done is to reshuffle the deck. This consists of moving teams from the control of one VP to another. Because this makes a huge difference. Yep. Huge. Like you mom's meatloaf. To drive this point home, I have included this handy deck of cards/slab of meat picture. Why? Because it's my blog, that's why! And, it visually represents the deck of cards/meat analogies I am using. Or are they metaphors. Fuck, I don't know. I'm no east coast elitist. GO GWU COLONIALS! BUFF AND BLUE ONWARD TO VICTORY, AND THEN SCONES!!!

And now, the picture.

Pretty awesome right? And just so you know, you're looking at my meat. That's right. Gaze longingly at it. Meaty.

Upcoming posts, or, "I tease, you giggle."

By: Daryl

Hello miscreants.

Upcoming posts will feature such turgid topics as:

1. Reshuffling the deck: Maybe we'll magically get more than 52 cards this time!

2. How to be a Super Star DJ. (Translation: Super Star DJ's almost always suck, and I'll tell you why, and I'll give you the tools to fix this problem, you lazy fucks)

Kindly sit on the edge of your seats in anticipation.

Thanks, ingrates!


Friday, October 21, 2011

Follow me on twitter if you enjoy....MY SCORCHING LIBERALISM!!!!

By: Daryl

As a twitter-whore, I get a special tingle in my naughties when someone follows me. However, I am often baffled when people who are diametrically opposed to my politics choose to follow. Are they just randomly following people? Are they curious about the glorious slow-motion train wreck that is the Green Party? Do they think I'm cute? BECAUSE I AM! 

Regardless, this lucky fellow is in for some fun...

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Daryl and Doors

Door math. Or, 1+1=1. Or, 2=1. Or, Daryl = Full of Rage

By: Daryl

Hello reader(s)! Fun fact, the double door was invented in 1645 by Thermopoly F. Doubledoor of Manchester, England. He realized the simple fact that if one door as an entrance/exit to a building was good, then TWO would be better. Two, not one, but TWO streams of people could enter and exit a building at the same time.

Mind. Blown.

Here's a fun picture of this amazing invention, using space age steel and glass.

There is only one teensy-smeensy-bleensy-queensy-fleentzy little cock-crushing problem.

This happens with startling regularity at: Starbucks, Starbucks, and there's this coffee place that serves coffee called Starbucks.

Why? Why is only one of the two doors unlocked? Am I on camera lurching to a stop against the unexpectedly locked door? Do sadists work there who secretly wish hot coffee spilled on people?

The world may never know. However, if you hear of a rash of doors being crushed and destroyed by some masked, anger-soaked, vengeful living god of destruction (pssssst! That's me! Don't tell!), now you know why.

Guess who's stalking me? TEH GOOGLE!

In a valiant effort to find a less stroke-inducing route home from Preferred Local Metro Station, I turned to Google Maps. Addresses were entered, routes were examined, little purple lines were dragged willy-nilly to create better routes.

I'm fairly awesome at creating better routes.

And then, I saw this:

As an editorial note, the scrawly red writing may not have been there prior to the screen-grab. At first I blushed, I giggled, I was a little flattered. And then I wondered about this Google, and decided it was probably just in it for a booty-call.

DENIED. My virtue remains pure like the driven snow.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The 9:30 Club

You know what makes me angry about the 9:30 Club in DC?

NOTHING. HA! You didn't see that one coming, did you???


An Angry Public Service Announcement.....

By: Daryl

Cigarettes = boiled mastodon poop

Now you know.

Spread the word.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Spotted in the mens room at my office....


The answer is: RAGE.

By: Daryl


Do you speak the english language at a fluent and or native level? Me too! Let us speak english to each other, and use it as a medium to encode data from our brains, ejaculating it from our mouths, send it vibrating (boing!) through the air, thrusting into our earholes, stimulating our auditory nerves, and penetrating deeply into the eager recesses of each others slutty minds.


However, if you insist on doing any or all of the following, and I will mentally dismember you in a most gruesome fashion:

Unnecessarily word conservation. Words are not albino rhino's. They are not endangered and in need of conservation. The word population is unlimited. Please feel free to use enough to adequately express your idea. Avoid sentences such as "Hey, did you see that thing over there by the thing?" or "Grapefruit?" or "She's pretty" (referring to a room full of "women" - WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???) or Random Subject Changes (RSC's) such as "I really love fish tacos, but what I really wonder is, do submarines smell like a mix of feet and repressed homosexual urges?" Or, the question that never congeals into a coherent query "Hey, do you? do you?.....when you do this should?....." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! GET TO THE ACTUAL QUESTION OR I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH A MAD-LIBS BOOK!

So remember, fellow cunning-linguists (see what I did there?): Subject + verb + predicate = Linguistic nirvana. It is the greatest form of love to think about your question for 2 seconds versus verbally machine-gunning your fellow man with a stream of nonsense that is gosh darn crystal-clear up until the moment it leaves your pretty, pretty mouth.

My promise to you: I will respect you in the morning, unless you're a whore, or Ted.