I'd like a time machine so I can kick Alexander Graham Bell right in the nads.
"Watson! Come here, I just got kicked in the junk by some very handsome man from the future!"
Yesterday and today I wanted to use my Cellular Radiophone to send "Text Message" to the ever-scintillating April. It was something really important like "Gimme a dollar" or "Did you smell that?" or "Is it Tuesday?" In any event, when I send a "Text Message" I expect it to travel through the ether, carried by the invisible telephone-gnomes of the Verizon Wireless Amazeballs Network of Speedfulness, and reassembled by the teeny little carpenter penguins that live in April's phone, so that she may read my missives of deep, and profound import.
Naturally, that did not happen. Apparently my phone now needs to be periodically turned off and then turned back on again to get the messages ejaculated into the ether. Glad Android is now starting to behave like every Microsoft PC operating system since Win95.
Looking forward to a healthy tan from basking in the rage.......
Friends, enemies, family, acquaintances, people I stalk, let me tell you something: Being Angry Daryl takes energy, especially the angry part. The gritting of teeth, the throbbing of neck and forehead veins, the angry rants, the vigorous typing, those all take energy. As we all know, better health leads to more energy, which leads to INCREASED ABILITY TO BRING THE ANGRY!!! Plus, my pants might fit better, so that's nice...
As some of you may have seen on my FaceBorg page, I have been stocking up on fruits and veggies, purchased a juicer, and have been gulping some uber-healthy fruit/veggies mixes. "Why, Daryl? Why are you doing such things?" you might be asking, if you gave a fuck about me, which you all do, because you love me, AND FEAR ME!
Ahem.
Anyhow, a few weeks ago, I was staying up too late on a school night, and watched the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." It's focusses on three regular people who take charge of their lives and health, and decide to give their bodies the proper nourishment we often lack due to the fast-food, shovel crap into your mouth type of culture we live in. Now, was I fat, sick, or nearly dead? No. But, I wasn't eating healthy or taking very good care of myself. I was eating too much, not getting nearly enough unprocessed fruits and veggies, and not getting any exercise. Changes needed to be made. Take a look at the trailer for the movie.
Back in December, I started going to a gym, using the treadmill and weights to get some of the "jiggle" out of my body. I liked to think I carried my weight well, but the truth is, I had gone soft, was getting a gut, and I am turning 40 in May. Fighting the battle of the bulge doesn't get any easier as you get older. I had no excuse other than my own laziness for not using the gym. It was free, it was 75 yards from my office, and it had everything I needed. So I started going 3 times a week, and it's helped quite a bit. Now, I can lift battleships. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but I do feel better, look better, and jiggle much less. Plus, it was an excuse to get a snazzy new pair of walking/running exercisey shoes.
Dead sexy legs! And yes, that's the shower in front of me.
And now, back to the juicing. The "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" movie advocates adding natural blends of fruits and veggie juices to your diet as a way of getting the plant nutrients we need to be really healthy. The human body is designed to run on unprocessed/minimally processed plants and minimally processed meat. Modern food culture gives us way too much processed crap that is severely lacking in nutrients, but you knew that, didn't you? Just nod even if you are shocked by this statement. So, purchased a Breville Juicer, and a small truckload of fruits and veggies....
Boom.
Praise Cthulhu, that's a lot of fruits and veggies! Takes up 80% of the fridge!
Good god. Yet more fruit.
And now, the end product of juicing together 8 kale leaves, 8 swiss chard leaves, 1 cucumber, and 6 tangerines, you get The Green Elixir!
Behold! The power of the Sun! Yes, it tasted really green!
So this weekend, I am going to be adding a lot of juice to my diet, and seeing where this leads me. Probably to the bathroom, if Ted is to be believed, but what the hell does he know? Quite a lot, actually. In any event, I look forward to trying the recipe's from the Reboot website (nutritional guidance for those looking to do what the people in the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead movie did).
Here's a very un-angry and genuine congrats to Friends Of The Bloggers - Jeff Hunt and his wife Nicole on the birth of their third child Daniel Robert Hunt today. "Mommy and Daniel are doing great" says Jeff.
GUNS! Love 'em. Need 'em. Want 'em. Gotsta own lots of them!
Luckily, I live in Virginia, where the enlightened legislators in Richmond repealed the states mean, restrictive, insane, communist, unwholesome, anti-American law that limited citizens to ONE MEASLY HANDGUN PURCHASE PER MONTH.
One.
Uno.
Un.
Ein..
No matter how you say it. Being able to buy only one lonely handgun per month was so awful it was likely to make you fail to signal a lane change, or worse yet, vote for Green Party candidates. Go ahead. PROVE ME WRONG.
So I thought to myself "who would benefit from being able to by multiple handguns per month?"
The first person that came to mind is this guy:
Because when you're hunting varmints or that rascally rabbit Bugs Bunny, you need more than one gun. And of course, one cannot forget the Hindu god Vishnu***...
Apologies to Hindu's everywhere.
I only used this pic because it made me feel silly in my pants
And if we're going to include cartoon characters and dieties, we better include scary monsters, too. Because scary monsters love guns. Just ask one! There he is, right under your bed.... This fellow here has clearly suffered from Virginia's previous one-gun-per month law. He had to fashion a buzz-saw and a set of pincers for his other two hands!
Now, best of all, the overachieving seemingly multiple-armed douche-canoe in your office who sets expectations so high that none of you will ever get a decent raise can now go on a truly epic killing spree because they can now purchase enough guns for all their effing arms at the same time. HOORAY.
"Yes, I know I need yet another arm to hold my phone
OMFG where are all my guns all at once???
So, nut-huggers, the lesson here in Virginia is that the enlightened plantation owners of the state legislature are busy repealing unjust laws that deeply impact all of us. I have to go now, as I am part of a lobbying act to lower the cost of getting a drivers license for my pet Cylons.
