Thursday, September 8, 2011

Pedestrians - Why U No Use Crosswalks????

Ted got the driving theme started, so here's my gripe. (get it? a car....see what I did there?)

Pedestrians - just a little query for you. Why do you not use crosswalks, or sidewalks, for that matter? Crosswalks are fairly magical places where you may cross the street, and most drivers agree not to run you over. The magic white stripes on the ground protect you. Seriously. For bonus fun, there are often lighted guides that will actually tell you when it is safe to cross and when it is not safe. You don't even have to think! The nanny-state will do it for you! Your government Daddy/Mommy knows best, after all.

(A visual representation of me, driving. Aren't I cutesy-patootsie?)

However, many of you feel the need to defy your all-knowing government and just cross wherever the fuck you want. Also, this tends to be right in front of me. Is it because I drive a Prius? Do you think I'm a nice, life-respecting person because I like to get 40mpg? Really, that's a dangerous assumption on your part. Why? Because in reality, my murderous urges are often held back only by sheer force of will.

Ooops! Have I said too much? Don't worry, I'm sure my violent rage-drenched urges are not directed against you. No, not you.....yes, you.

So, in the interest of a kinder, gentler, less blood-soaked life, I am going to fit my vehicle with a cow-catcher. What is a cow-catcher you might ask? It is a device that used to be fitted on the front of trains to deflect things from hitting it: cows, farmers, farmers daughters (oh yeah! BOING!), zombie nazi's, etc. I have un-earthed some documentary footage as to what a cow-catcher in use on an old-timey train looks like.

Ok - this video is about so much more than just a train using a cow-catcher, but hey, it makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile? Fuck you. That's what. :-)  <----that's me smiling right now.


  1. Can I be a guest contributor and discuss my anger for those stupid I haz Cheezberger cat posters?

  2. Absolutely! Please include any pics with your submission. Submissions that shower myself and Ted with praise move to the front of the line.

  3. I don't know this mythical Ted person....