Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Outrage of the decades: The Telephone

By: Daryl

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Also, he invented Graham crackers, and Bell-bottom jeans. Of course, Horation Q. Bottom disputes Grahams assertion regarding the jeans.....

(Ok, not really a pure phone picture, but this is what it feels like sometimes)

My job career has been, well, "diverse." This means I have had a lot of different jobs that have all been about as satisfying as a kick in the junk. 

I have been at one time or another: An assistant manager at a pizza restaurant, a telephone customer service rep for a magazine subscription company, a rental-counter agent at an equipment rental store, a DJ, an insurance company worker, a 'research assistant' at a democratic political consulting shop, a mortgage industry lackey, and now again an insurance company worker, and a Green Party political hack.

Most of these jobs have involved a lot of time spent on the phone. As a result, I really hate talking on the phone. A lot. With a passion. Why? Let me tell you what my working experience has taught me about phone calls. 

There are 3 basic types of business phone calls:

1. "Target of Opportunity": This type of call involves getting blamed and yelled at for the mistake of someone else. Typically, customer service reps get a lot of these calls. "On behalf of PoopCo, I would like to apologize that we sent you a giant bag of flaming poop in error, Mr. Smith. Kindly screech obscenities and make snide comments to me until you feel better. That's a good psychopath, let it all out. I have no feelings or self-esteem, so please, just abuse the crap out of me. Thank you and have a nice day!"

2. "Hello, is this MENSA?": This type of call involves being asked a question either far more complicated than you could possibly answer, or, being asked a question that your boss refuses to give you the information to answer without sounding like a complete poop-tard. Me "Thank you for calling Acme insurance company." Caller: "Um, yeah, I heard that mortgage bonds are bad and stinky. Do you have those in your investment portfolio? If so, how many, what's your risk exposure, are they collateralized debt obligations, or real estate investment trusts, what's the maturity date, have you purchased default insurance.....?" 

3. "I got warrants.": This type of call (my personal favorite) generally involves being asked to do something that is at best, completely unethical, and probably a felony. Caller: "Um, yeah.....could you just sign the client's name for me on the contract application that's passed through multiple jurisdictions and crossed state lines?" -  Me: "gosh, let me find a pen, and some soap on a rope!"

So if you call me, and it goes to voicemail, don't take it personally. And if you do, trust me, I am caring as hard as I can about that, I really am.

But not really.

Daryl Northrop
Chief Angrist at Angry Daryl Is Angry

1 comment:

  1. I think everybody who has Daryl's number should call him now and fill his voicemail.