Angry Daryl is Green (Party) with Anger...

By: Daryl

As many of you know, because I endlessly blather to you about it lest you forget, I am active with the Green Party. Why? Because I can count to 3, and 3 > 2. Neener. 

Always wanting to learn about new campaign tactics, strategies, and meet fellow Greenies, I was happy to hear that the Maryland Green Party, in concert with the Green Party of the United States, was offering Campaign Training at the Green Party national headquarters in District of Columbia. The information was in an email that had been forwarded to me. And that was when I noticed something odd.

There was no RSVP instructions. It wasn't a Facebook event, or a Meetup, or an Evite, or any sort of meeting where they had any idea who might be showing up. "Oh you silly Greens," I thought "with your plan shit by the seat of your pants because planning is hard and doing things withou a plan is just a pants-pooping good time." The meeting was scheduled to start at 8:30am on Saturday January 21st.

What could possible go wrong?

Oh John....you had such lovely hair....

Good question, John Huntsman! I'll tell you what went wrong. The greater DC area received NEARLY AN ENTIRE INCH OF SNOW. SNOW, I TELL YOU! AN INCH!  Being a savvy guy, I wondered if this might impact my Green Party campaign training even. Check email: no updates. Check national Green Party website: no updates. Check Maryland Green Party website: no updates. Call Green Party HQ: no updated voicemail. So I hopped into my Prius (now with extra eco-smugness) and drove off to GPHQ nestled in the Takoma Park neighborhood of DC.

I stroll up to the office building, and this is what I see.....

A MOTHERFUCKING PAPER NOTE TAPED TO THE EFFING WINDOW. WHAT IS THIS, THE X-FILES??? IS THE  SMOKING MAN STANDING BEHIND ME? WILL I GET TO MAKE OUT WITH SCULLY? OR MULDER? NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

This is why the Green Party can't have nice things....like electoral victories. It's because far too many of us cannot communicate or organize our way out of a wet paper bag. (Please recycle, nut-hugger) Heaven fucking forbid we: actually collect RSVP emails and send an  email that states "Hey, 1 inch of snow made my balls shrivel up inside me, so the training is canceled." Or, oh I don't know....UPDATE THE VOICEMAIL ON THE OFFICE PHONE TO SAY "TRAINING'S CANCELED, BITCHES, FIGURE IT OUT BY YOURSELF!!!!!"

It is amateur hour bullshit like this that makes me furious. Is it as retarded as say, Gingrich, Perry, and Santorum being too damn dumb to get on the Virginia Primary ballot? No. But, if we can't do the goddamned easy stuff like schedule campaign training, and simultaeously be able to deal with the collapse of society due to one entire inch of snow, how do we expect to seize power, declare a Green Party perpetual dictatorship, send all Republicans and Democrats to our pre-planned Ralph Nader-themed "Re-education camps." and loot the fuck out of the Treasury???...um....I mean build a grassroots democracy movement that promises hugs and unicorns for all?

Looking forward to this little meeting being rescheduled so I can ream the hell out of whoever decided that ink-on-paper-stuck-to-a-window passes for effective communication in 2012. In 1612, this would have been the best shit ever, come to think of it.

Assholes.

Angry Wong dines on RAGE SANDWICH WITH MAYO

By: Meilee Wong

We've all felt it. The icy clench of rage accosting your sternum and pinching, clutching, gorilla-gripping until your heart feels like it's about to explode in ragey rage rage.

Nothing unleashes my rage-monster more quickly than the District of Columbia's illustrious barons of food service..or as I like to call them, food-servants.

Coming from Los Angeles, where everyone is an aspiring actor, actress, marimba-player or moderntechnojazz-dancer hoping to make it big, everyone treats you nicely. Who knows, you could be a talent scout, B-movie producer, or the conductor of the world's finest marimba orchestra. Your water glass is filled (garnished with a slice of yuzu, if you're in a finer establishment), your brown rice is subbed for quinoa with nary a hitch, your tilapia is grilled to perfection, your fork is replaced between every course.

Well, I may be exaggerating, but my rage monster reared its ugly head at the Foggy Bottom Whole Foods as of late and this is a prime example of why I hate consuming edibles in our Nation's Capital. Please see following succession of tweets:

When you arrive at Whole Foods, you are greeted by the unblinking yet cheerful stares of an armada of touchscreen food ordering devices. The purpose of these, Emperor WholeFoodsian, is so that your customer may order whatever sandwich, "Good Food Bowl," maki sushi or gold-dipped piece of crap that they like. Ahead of time. You even allow your customer to pay at said touchscreen food ordering device. This is supposed to expedite your customer's order and keep your kitchen organized.

When your customer arrives at your Sandwich CounterLand, they are greeted by another array of flatscreens which is supposed to tell them when their order is ready. You are NOT supposed to call the customers to the counter one by one, ask for their printed receipt, and THEN begin assembling their order. You are also NOT supposed to offer things on your auto-menu THAT ARE COMPLETELY OUT. Nor are you supposed to hire stoned-looking sandwich guys who ATTEMPT TO SQUIRT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MAYO ON YOUR CUSTOMER'S SANDWICH, CAUSING YOUR CUSTOMER TO LUNGE TOWARDS THE PLATE-GLASS SCREECHING NO NO NO!!! EMULSION OF DEATH UNNECESSARY!!!! 

To add insult to injury, you tweet back to me saying that if I ever so kindly bring back my receipt to Customer Service, I will receive a full refund. Well you know what, Emperor WholeFoodsian, I threw that scrap of rage out with the garbage that your "customer service" smells worse than. If you are really "sorry for the inconvenience I experienced," you know what? FIX YOUR DAMNED SANDWICH COUNTER EMPLOYEE. 

So with that, fellow District Denizens, I issue you a call to action. We cannot allow ourselves to be downtrodden by the despicably bad food service in this city, and simply roll over and accept it as normal. Don't just sit at your table, your water glass crying for more water, your bread basket not refilled, beaten into submission by the horrible table and counter service in this city. I implore you: Vote With Your Wallets. If it sucks, don't eat there. Please. 

Either that or I will raise an army to sledgehammer your Fair Trade hemp reusable grocery bags. TO THE DEATH!

Let's Pay For Our Food!

Speaking of grocery store MILFs...

Have I bitched and moaned recently about grocery store checkout problems? Yes? No? Too bad. Strap in. (I said "strap in", Daryl, not "strap on". Sheesh.) Here goes.

The SELFAUTOCHECKOUT2000SUPERROBOT MACHINE:

Pros:

1. Because I'm a nerd who does design and computer things, I have a pretty decent sense for a graphical user interface, so following along with the instructions of the nice robot lady is pretty easy. Also - I understand the basic workflow of how to check out. Wave your food over the red beam (or weigh it and punch in the code if it's healthy hippie vegetable shit), and put it in the bag. When you're out of things to wave over the red beam, figure out a way to put money in her. The robot, that is. Get your receipt and leave. Ta da.
2. It's usually pretty fast, at least when I do it. Boing.
3. If I have to buy something that society considers "awkward" like condoms or the extra large box of Cheez-Its (Buying both at once? Let's be friends!) I don't have to run the risk of a checkout person judging me or smirking, or thinking up a story to tell their friends later about this fat guy in a "Re-Elect Clay Davis" t-shirt who was buying nothing but condoms and snack crackers. Basket, red beam, canvas bag. Done.
4. Daryl has a crush on the robot lady voice who tells him what to do, so it's always nice to say hi to a friend.

Cons:

1. Slow people. Old people. "Hey, um, so, where, uhh, I can't see, what do I do? Money? Card? This thing doesn't have a thing? Where, um, can, I, wait I forgot to scan this, umm, money? How much? Where? Do I sign? Help"
2. The Line. At the Harris-Titter-Tooter by my house it's usually a line of fat people buying carbonated sugar water, so it takes them awhile to hurf-durf the 48pack (on sale!) over the red beam and into a bag or not into a bag because it won't fit into a bag and then, of course, they have to go bother...
3. The Attendant who is pissed that 6 of her friends' jobs were taken up by these stupid robots with the sexy lady voice Daryl likes and really could not give a fuck about whatever it is that you need when you accidentally punched in the code for kumquats when you meant to punch in the code for grapefruits. You're expecting customer service? You're checking out with a robot. Customer service *this*.
4. The Scale. Not the one you weigh your kumquats on (boing!) but the giant one that you probably didn't realize even *was* a scale where you put your shit into bags. It weighs what you put in the bags to verify that what you scanned was actually what you scanned. Which is totally fine, and all, but because I'm a RESPONSIBLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY I bring my canvass bags which are HEAVY which always FUCK UP THE BAG SCALE when I try to load my bag full of condoms and Cheez-Its so then The Attendant has to punch a code into The Attendent Computer Station so that the robot doesn't think I'm trying to steal things. Assuming The Attendant is even paying attention to the fact that there's a fat guy standing there holding a box of Cheez-Its looking helpless.

The Regular Old-School Checkout Lines

Pros:

1. Usually pretty quick.
2. Sometimes you'll get a happy smile.
3. You don't really have to do anything.

Cons:

1. At the Harris-Tooter-Scooter-Pooper by my house, I can't really tell where I'm supposed to put my basket or stand, because they have these weird island things that you have to maneuver around. Put...basket...where....then...I...what?
2. Then The Food goes on this little circular thing to bag, but there never are bag people, and the checkout person doesn't really want to bag for you, so you awkwardly lean over the credit card thing, or go around to the back where an actual bag person would stand and then accidentally hit the ROTATOR SWITCH with your pelvis so that you're chasing your Cheez-Its around this little round spinny thing as you're trying to jam it into your big heavy canvas bag which is also spinning around in a big circle.
3. Having to talk to other people. Ugh.

This is a big reason why I try to eat takeout Thai food every day. Mostly because a good spicy PAD KA POW really helps get rid of the orange stains on your teeth that are leftover from the Cheez-Its. Science, bitches. Look it up.

Being sick

Fuck that shit.

Scratchy throat, hoarse voice, snot on ALL THE THINGS...

This isn't really that funny, but, you know, write what you know, and today, I know this, comma, comma.

Angry Daryl is Confused about Grocery Store fashion...

By: Daryl

Spotted this bi-pedal, half human, half leopard, half bear creature at our local grocery store.

This creature, and their choice of fashion did not make me angry, so much as very, very confused about the following:

1. Is this proper grocery store attire? (lets assume it is not Halloween, and she is not on her way to a "Jungle: RAWR!" themed party)
2. Did she lose a bet and was forced to dress this way? Later, she turned around and appeared to be about 40yrs old - too old for a sorority initiation stunt?
3. Should I dress this way? I'd have to grow my hair out a bit, and get a bad dye job....
4. Would Ted look hot dressed like this? I think so!














Maybe it was Tarzan Day at the store????

Santorum

Santorum

Nuff said.

ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!! Everyone is doing it these days.

By: April

No, you perverts, this is NOT about metal zippers : P

Confession: I am a morning person!!  So. HAPPY!!!  The sun is shining!  It's time to explore a new day!!  ::dodges rotten vegetables being thrown::  Don't worry, my husband lethally hates this phenomenon as well.**  While happy to greet a new day sans caffeine I completely sympathize with the rest of the world population that is unable to function before high noon.

My humble-yet-begging suggestion is to the boxed cereal industry:  Please, please, please put the cereal contents into a plastic bag with a .....wait for it.....resealable top. POW!!  Ziploc/Dow Chemical Company is salivating while waiting for you to call.

While I am horrendously cheery in the mornings I detest having to fight with plastic bags that refuse to open pretty (think cereal scattered e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.) and having to attempt to close the gash in the bag to keep the rest of the contents fresh is a lost cause : (

Come on - other companies are doing it!!!  Dried fruit snackies, tortillas, shredded cheese, even block cheese for heaven's sake.

And if you could make the plastic bag recyclable that would be extra super-duper!!

**Editors note - it's true, I am not a morning person. Not. Even. Close.