Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Let's Pay For Our Food!

Speaking of grocery store MILFs...

Have I bitched and moaned recently about grocery store checkout problems? Yes? No? Too bad. Strap in. (I said "strap in", Daryl, not "strap on". Sheesh.) Here goes.


  1. Because I'm a nerd who does design and computer things, I have a pretty decent sense for a graphical user interface, so following along with the instructions of the nice robot lady is pretty easy. Also - I understand the basic workflow of how to check out. Wave your food over the red beam (or weigh it and punch in the code if it's healthy hippie vegetable shit), and put it in the bag. When you're out of things to wave over the red beam, figure out a way to put money in her. The robot, that is. Get your receipt and leave. Ta da.
  2. It's usually pretty fast, at least when I do it. Boing.
  3. If I have to buy something that society considers "awkward" like condoms or the extra large box of Cheez-Its (Buying both at once? Let's be friends!) I don't have to run the risk of a checkout person judging me or smirking, or thinking up a story to tell their friends later about this fat guy in a "Re-Elect Clay Davis" t-shirt who was buying nothing but condoms and snack crackers. Basket, red beam, canvas bag. Done.
  4. Daryl has a crush on the robot lady voice who tells him what to do, so it's always nice to say hi to a friend.
  1. Slow people. Old people. "Hey, um, so, where, uhh, I can't see, what do I do? Money? Card? This thing doesn't have a thing? Where, um, can, I, wait I forgot to scan this, umm, money? How much? Where? Do I sign? Help"
  2. The Line. At the Harris-Titter-Tooter by my house it's usually a line of fat people buying carbonated sugar water, so it takes them awhile to hurf-durf the 48pack (on sale!) over the red beam and into a bag or not into a bag because it won't fit into a bag and then, of course, they have to go bother...
  3. The Attendant who is pissed that 6 of her friends' jobs were taken up by these stupid robots with the sexy lady voice Daryl likes and really could not give a fuck about whatever it is that you need when you accidentally punched in the code for kumquats when you meant to punch in the code for grapefruits. You're expecting customer service? You're checking out with a robot. Customer service *this*.
  4. The Scale. Not the one you weigh your kumquats on (boing!) but the giant one that you probably didn't realize even *was* a scale where you put your shit into bags. It weighs what you put in the bags to verify that what you scanned was actually what you scanned. Which is totally fine, and all, but because I'm a RESPONSIBLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY I bring my canvass bags which are HEAVY which always FUCK UP THE BAG SCALE when I try to load my bag full of condoms and Cheez-Its so then The Attendant has to punch a code into The Attendent Computer Station so that the robot doesn't think I'm trying to steal things. Assuming The Attendant is even paying attention to the fact that there's a fat guy standing there holding a box of Cheez-Its looking helpless.
The Regular Old-School Checkout Lines

  1. Usually pretty quick.
  2. Sometimes you'll get a happy smile.
  3. You don't really have to do anything.
  1. At the Harris-Tooter-Scooter-Pooper by my house, I can't really tell where I'm supposed to put my basket or stand, because they have these weird island things that you have to maneuver around. Put...basket...where....then...I...what?
  2. Then The Food goes on this little circular thing to bag, but there never are bag people, and the checkout person doesn't really want to bag for you, so you awkwardly lean over the credit card thing, or go around to the back where an actual bag person would stand and then accidentally hit the ROTATOR SWITCH with your pelvis so that you're chasing your Cheez-Its around this little round spinny thing as you're trying to jam it into your big heavy canvas bag which is also spinning around in a big circle.
  3. Having to talk to other people. Ugh.
This is a big reason why I try to eat takeout Thai food every day. Mostly because a good spicy PAD KA POW really helps get rid of the orange stains on your teeth that are leftover from the Cheez-Its. Science, bitches. Look it up.


  1. Damn, that robot lady voice is the super sexiness! "Scan your VIC card"...mmmmmmmm.....oh I'll scan it all right....scan it real nice....

  2. When I go to the Safeway near my house, I have one goal: avoid talking or interacting with people at all cost. Hence why I blatantly refuse to comply with the store's ridiculous receipt check policy. Bitch, you are not a Best Buy. Just because you can't keep rowdy packs of tweens from stealing candy bars and magazines doesn't mean that I'm going to be subjected to unnecessary search procedures that don't even prevent shoplifting.