Monday, August 29, 2011

Maximum aggravation - listening to a first date.

By: Daryl

Last Wednesday, my illustrious co-blogger, Ted, she-mailed me and asked if April and I wanted to join him and Ian at the Nat's game. DISCLAIMER - Ted and Ian are not a couple. Ted is not into guys. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Plus, Ian's rather handsome. Ahem.

Anyway, we sit down in our very nice seats, provided by the internet/TV/Web/factory of liberalism, and as the crowd fills in around us, I notice a man and a woman talking in the seats behind us. It soon  becomes clear that they are on a date. A first date.

The horror. From their conversation, re-imagined below for you amusement, I envisioned that they looked something like this.

Or maybe this:

Ok, I may be getting a bit carried away. But, they yammered through most of the baseball game, and dammit if they weren't just perfect for each other!!! And by "perfect" I mean "mind-numbingly vapid and shallow." Below is an ever-so-fictionalized example of their conversation.

Him "I like listening to music when I work out. Do you like the musics?"
Her "Um, gosh, yes, I sure do like the music sounds. It comes out of my ipod thingy."

Him "Cool. Hey, do you know what else I like?"
Her "What?"
Him "Air. I love air. Do you like air? And do you use it to breathe?"

************HEAD EXPLODES*******************

So, ladies, gentlemen, and zombies, I know that first dates are a necessary evil (like proctologists, but not as fun). But really, please don't inflict them on the rest of us.


  1. I'm pretty sure at one point he started quoting baseball statistics to her, which was strange, because it wasn't clear from his conversational style that he understood "the maths." Anyway. She seemed completely disinterested in baseball statistics, but enough into the possibility of later that night seeing his penis that she laughed and played along while he talked about balls and bats and things involving "ribbies" whatever that is. Nerds.

  2. I had this dopey roommate my sophomore year of college who was a straight up, real life Felicity - following her dorky high school boyfriend from some bumblefuck town in the Midwest to NYC. One day, they had the following conversation:

    "You know what the best taste in the world is?"
    "Ice water with mint in it!"
    "YES! It's so cold and fresh."
    "Let's have ice water with mint!"

  3. "So Cold and Fresh" is going to be the title of my first hip-hop single.

  4. DJ LegenDaryl, wikka wikka waaaat!

  5. Thank you for making me dread the first date. Even though I do like air...and I bet ice water with mint does taste great. I'm just not sure I can handle a brain-dead conversation that lasts longer than 5 minutes.