Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This was not a big deal

Panic. Freak out. Shit yourselves.

There was a geological event today in a state near here. And then NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED.

Except for every idiot decided that they should try to drive home at once. What should be a 10 minute drive from my office to my work took two goddamn hours because every idiot me included decided to GET ON ALL THE ROADS WITH ALL THE CARS AND DRIVE EVERYWHERE except that in DC you really shouldn't block the box, which I know sounds like some sort of a lesbian thing, but apparently has to do with traffic, and so one fuckwitted FedEx truck driver and one other brain-sledged zombie of a WMATA bus driver can completely fuck an intersection for fifteen minutes because THEY are more important than YOU and you can go fuck yourself apparently.

Earthquake happens. Our office semi-loses power which was weird. So I went to the gym because I can't make teevee with no internets or electricity.

Nothing else happened.

Then I showered, went back to my dark office, and decided to go home.

And then nothing else happened.

And then it took me two hours to get home.

Wherein nothing else happened.

Do you watch cable teevee news at all? And how they go on and on and on with no actual details for four hours while holding on that same vanity cam of the Potomac river? Yeah.

WTOP radio is worse than that. Because there are no hot anchorettes to look at or vanity cams to look at in case Osama or The Gays or whatever it is that causes earthquakes decide to cause another earthquake and then we can all see it live on the teevee together and sing about it later, for America, hooray.

Anyway, on the non-stop talking orgasm of panic and tight edits that is WTOP they were saying that THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT might be closed tomorrow.

I'll let you read that sentence again.

Sure, why the fuck not?

This town is like your crazy neurotic chain-smoking aunt. ONE little disruption to her day and EVERYBODYGOESCRAZYOMGWTFBBQLOLROTFL.

Glad that blizzard season is just around the corner. Cause we sure can handle that one easily, no problem.


  1. Maybe we should call it "Douchequake?"

  2. Whoa. I can only dare to dream that the federal government will be closed tomorrow for such a ridiculous reason.

  3. It's almost like the 2005 power outages all over again except we didn't speculate if terrorist caused the earthquake. Though maybe FOX will cut to a story about how if this was a serious quake and a bunch of undocumented aliens got hurt how much a burden that would be on the system.

  4. OOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! A hurricane might be coming this weekend!! Lets all break out the crazy-pants again!

  5. Is it too late to shit myself? Because I didn't earlier, and really feel I might have missed out on something.

  6. I couldn't agree more Ted about ALL of that. Our tax dollars at work - no one goes to work after a 20 second shakey shake. And the news, good god, the 'news' - talk about RIDICULOUS.